Romantic Intimacy?

Dear World,

How and when do people become romantically intimate with one another? I really don’t understand romance. I’ve engaged in romantic interactions with individuals I’ve had feelings for in the past. But I’ve never established any sort of committed relationship with anyone.

I admit, I’m terrified of becoming sexually intimate with someone I’m emotionally intimate with already. When I’m in the situation, it feels like I’m suffocating. There’s something wrong, and I can’t quite put my finger on what it is.

But sex does not a committed romantic relationship make, right?

I’ve watched sexual tension build to a breaking point in my friendships in the past. I’ve watched the intensity of a friendship build to a point where hugs and kisses weren’t enough to express how we felt for each other.

But then I hit a wall. Something goes wrong, and they’re angry at me or I don’t feel safe in their presence anymore. Such a juxtaposition makes me feel like an asshole actually. I doubt it’s fair to my “partner” when I suddenly feel unable to communicate with them anymore.

I’ve no idea how romance fits into a healthy sexuality. I’ve only just figured out how to have the kind sex that I want to have. I still can’t imagine having that sex with someone I actually have feelings for.

I have a difficult time seeing a person willing to put in the effort it’ll take to push themselves into my life, and vice versa. I think I’m realizing that I’m not good at relieving tension (particularly in relationships).

At the end of the day, this is how I like to think about it. Failure teaches everything, while success teaches nothing. I’ve failed so much in many different kind of relationships. That must mean that I’m going to garner so much success someday, I’m not going to know what to do with it!

            Am I afraid of failing with another person? Well that sucks…

But for now, I think I’ll settle into my routine of failing faster. I rather like the idea of possessing a will power stronger than all the failures in my life put together.

A Frolicker of Fluidity