I couldn’t live with myself if I only ever engaged in homosexual relations. I had to branch out because I didn’t want to fear non-homosexual relations. That’s how I discovered the distinction between sexual activities and the sexuality inside my head.
I could identify as a gay male while engaging in non-homosexual relations. But those relations caused my identity as a gay male to shift. Once I gained confidence as a queer person (read queer and gay are NOT synonyms), I realized how unhappy and unfulfilled I felt as a gay male.
But I couldn’t see or understand that until I transitioned. I’m queer (and not gay) now, but I can’t say I was queer before the transition. The most I can say is that I was an unhappy and confused gay male.
I feel more powerful and passionate as a queer person. It’s wonderful.
But my gender and sex are still quite young. When I was young, I never felt safe enough to express a person others would disapprove of. If others thought of me as a failure, so did I. It was my sexuality that was strong enough to break the mold. My gender and sex identities were not.
But that’s not me anymore. I started learning about my sexuality when I started having sex. Now I’m learning about my sex identity as I start playing with my gender.
I know that I’m a male having sex in the world right now. I do have a penis…and a muscular physique, hair in all the right places. But I don’t know if that’s who I am in my head. The change in my wardrobe has triggered a change in me…a change I like. It’s transformed how I perceive my entire life.
I might have identified as a male growing up, but did I really want to? What if transitioning into being female makes me realize how unhappy I was as a male? What if I can finally do all the things I want if I transition? Would it be just as healthy of a change as it was when I went from being gay to queer?
A Frolicker of Fluidity