Nobody Knows Who I Am

Dear World,
I started this blog entirely focused on sexuality, as I had been for many years. It took me years to realize homosexuality doesn’t fit how I conceive of my identity. Yet, it was an identity I sorely needed to discover & develop a deeper and more meaningful sexuality for myself.

I feel this metamorphosis continuing with my gender & sex. I first had to recognize my sexuality as “not strictly gay” before I could recognize my gender as “not strictly masculine”. The relationships I construct as a queer person (rather than as a gay person) permit me to make peace with my sexuality.

I had been at war with myself over it for a long time. A queer identity gave me power over myself that a homosexual identity did not. It made me wonder if an exclusively masculine identity was just as limiting for me.

After having that thought, I became obsessed with looking at the women’s side of clothing stores…from afar anyway. At first, I was too afraid even to walk to the other side of the store…even though I knew I liked the clothes. Even in high school, I was jealous of all the pretty clothes women got to wear all the time. Men’s clothing really is dull in comparison.

With time, I overcame my fears, and actually started wearing women’s clothing. It was so freeing, I kept doing it despite the cold weather (it was winter). I suddenly remembered trying on my sister’s dresses in high school during her birthday parties…the times I cross dressed for Halloween. I remember being unsure as to why I was interested in women back in middle school.

I have more agency over the choices in my life now that I wear the clothes I truly want to wear.. I don’t feel nearly as obligated to act as others would dictate. I can better see what I want and need, and I can better satisfy those wants and needs.

My life makes far more sense to me when I think of myself as queer, as fluid. But my sex identity is different. What if my life would make more sense to me as a female instead of a male?

I am full of fear, but also of excitement. It’s by questioning my identity as a male that I’m finding what my sex identity truly is. I can see myself as a female, and loving every minute of it. I can see it making sense in my life. But I like to think I’ve managed thus far as male just as much.

I don’t know who I’m going to be once I’ve seen this through. But I do know I’ll be stronger for it, and that I want others to know who I am. I just haven’t gotten there yet. So I suppose all I have to offer right now are the choices I’m faced with, and my thoughts and ideas behind those choices.

Could that be the only constant behind a person’s sense of self…the different choices they’re faced with? It’s more comforting of a constant than being forced to choose between a penis and a vagina anyway. Stay fluid my friends,

A Frolicker of Fluidity

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