I started this blog entirely focused on sexuality, as I had been for many years. It took me years to realize homosexuality doesn’t fit how I conceive of my identity. Yet, it was an identity I sorely needed to discover & develop a deeper and more meaningful sexuality for myself.
I feel this metamorphosis continuing with my gender & sex. I first had to recognize my sexuality as “not strictly gay” before I could recognize my gender as “not strictly masculine”. The relationships I construct as a queer person (rather than as a gay person) permit me to make peace with my sexuality.
I had been at war with myself over it for a long time. A queer identity gave me power over myself that a homosexual identity did not. It made me wonder if an exclusively masculine identity was just as limiting for me.
After having that thought, I became obsessed with looking at the women’s side of clothing stores…from afar anyway. At first, I was too afraid even to walk to the other side of the store…even though I knew I liked the clothes. Even in high school, I was jealous of all the pretty clothes women got to wear all the time. Men’s clothing really is dull in comparison.
With time, I overcame my fears, and actually started wearing women’s clothing. It was so freeing, I kept doing it despite the cold weather (it was winter). I suddenly remembered trying on my sister’s dresses in high school during her birthday parties…the times I cross dressed for Halloween. I remember being unsure as to why I was interested in women back in middle school.
I have more agency over the choices in my life now that I wear the clothes I truly want to wear.. I don’t feel nearly as obligated to act as others would dictate. I can better see what I want and need, and I can better satisfy those wants and needs.
My life makes far more sense to me when I think of myself as queer, as fluid. But my sex identity is different. What if my life would make more sense to me as a female instead of a male?
I am full of fear, but also of excitement. It’s by questioning my identity as a male that I’m finding what my sex identity truly is. I can see myself as a female, and loving every minute of it. I can see it making sense in my life. But I like to think I’ve managed thus far as male just as much.