I now am starting to live my life as gender fluid (on top of sexually fluid). The term genderqueer is very appropriate, and I very much like the terms gender and queer. I simply have more experience with the term fluid. I like describing my sexuality and gender as fluid, and have been describing my sexuality as fluid for at least a year now.
However, living my life as gender fluid has shown me how awkward I feel much of the time. My sex identity is male, and I was born as such. Describing myself as cissexual is quite accurate 1000% of the time. My problem is that the world seems hopelessly unaware that sex is different from both gender & sexuality.
When I am forced into using sexed and/or gendered externals, like specific items or rooms, I feel confused. Are bathrooms meant to refer to sex or gender? Can I use urinals while wearing a dress, tights, and high heels? What if someone tells me I’m in the wrong bathroom? Do I show them my cock and tell them to take a long walk off a short pier?
My comfort level using these sexed and/or gendered externals changes depending on my appearance. I love wearing masculine pants with a feminine top just as much as I do wearing all feminine clothes. But when I mix them, using sexed & gendered externals feels easier.
In other words, I sometimes feel forced into validating my internal identity using external stimuli. But I don’t understand that idea. I like wearing dresses and skirts with high heels in tights. I absolutely love wearing tights. But how does that reflect on my identity as gender fluid? Do I always have to have both masculine and feminine external elements on my person?
I like my masculine and feminine externals, but I am confused as how to label my gender identity. At times I like having both elements present on my person while others I like only have one set or the other. Perhaps that’s the very meaning of gender fluid in the first place. I experience gender on many points across the entire gender spectrum, going from one extreme to the other. My gender is somewhat akin to the life of a pendulum bob on a grandfather clock.
Western society treats gender and sexuality as if it can be summarized by a single snapshot for each and every individual. So I feel pressured to have both masculine and feminine external elements present on my person at all times. But my gender & sexuality cannot be summarized by a single snapshot. My sense of self gradually swings back and forth, as does that pendulum bob. Where I am in that swing influences how I form satisfying/constructive relationships and why.
As an introvert, my sense of self exists internally. Masculine and feminine externals present me with an opportunity to present my internal self to the external world. It’s something I have never been able to do before because I only used masculine externals for much of my life.
But that is not me. I am gender fluid.
A Frolicker of Fluidity