Most of my life, I have been more concerned with my sexuality than my gender. I could not understand how my gender identity was relevant to my sexuality at the time…what a silly assumption. I simply chose to reproduce a cisgender & cissexual identity, as I was informed.
However, I now identify as sexually fluid. My sexuality shifts in relation to whom I spend time with and how I define my relationship with that person. How am I to differentiate between the different sexual identities I shift between if I cannot understand my own gender?
I now believe gender & sexuality are related somehow. From my perspective, they seem to be two sides of the same coin. What that coin could be, I am not sure.
Anyway, I am currently experiencing how difficult (nigh impossible) it feels to posses a fluid sexuality without simultaneously possessing a fluid gender as well. In fact, I have unconsciously been re-evaluating my gender identity ever since I embraced a fluid sexuality.
I have gradually been garnering feminine gender expressions in addition to my masculine gender expressions. I like to paint my nails and carry my belongings in a purse. I’m wearing short shorts and a blouse in my profile picture on facebook. I wore a dress for Halloween last year (not my first time). I find myself wanting more each time I break the gender binary somehow.
As such, I have officially removed my label as “cisgender male” from my facebook profile. It felt dishonest I guess. Now I am simply listed as “gender fluid”.
Despite all of this, I maintain my cissexual identity. I like my genitalia, my hairy physique. I like my legal classification as a male. I absolutely love having a prostate.
If human sexuality is about satisfying and constructive relationships with others, perhaps gender is about a satisfying and constructive relationship with the self?
Honestly, I really have no idea. What I do know is that I will no longer be able to advance my sexual identity without investigating what impact it will have on my gender identity. I want to know how they relate to one another, and what meaning that connection has. Considering them together has some magical power on my sense of self I cannot describe.
Also, I am now eager to learn how to braid my hair.
A Frolicker of Sexual Fluidity