I had gay sex last night. I found him online and sent him a message. He responded and I met up with him 10 minutes later. I had left his place maybe 10 minutes after that. Overall, the entire experience lasted maybe half an hour?
Anonymous sex has never been so bland for me before. That, combined with my other sexual experiences over the past year (he was one of 3 sex partners I’ve had during that time) has made me realize something quite concretely. Sex by itself is nothing more than a biological function.
Sex as a biological function makes sense to me. This would generally explain why it’s a part of the human experience whether we like it or not. This sexual experience was so uneventful, it felt like glorified masturbation. In other words. I received nothing from this experience I wouldn’t have received had I simply masturbated in my apartment.
I am neither condemning it nor praising it. It was simply an experience, like going to CVS for a candy bar.
I can say all of this with confidence because my most active sexual partner this summer has given me far more food for thought. Without a personal connection with my partner, I might as well be masturbating.
As it is a biological function, sex will always be a part of my life, even if I am just masturbating alone in my bedroom. I would rather develop satisfying/constructive relationships without sex than empty sexual relationships. I know from experience that satisfying/constructive relationships are not a constant. They take active effort and do not always last.
They are especially important to me because my parents are “gone” and my siblings are spread about the world. The interpersonal relations in my life are my life. Other than that, I have my hobbies & professional dreams, which are only just now becoming clear to me.
So now I understand why I value sexuality more so than sex. If I never had sex with another person for the rest of my life, I think I could live with that. As long as I can build satisfying/constructive relationships with those I feel most intimate with. Of course, I do not want to be afraid of letting a relationship become physical when it develops to that point naturally. But crossing that threshold is not so easy for me when I am in love.
I have fucked plenty of times, but I have never made love. My romantic sense of self remains a virgin. Romantically, I still feel like that passionate & inexperienced boy waiting for life to begin. This is a part of my sexuality. It allows me to flow from one relationship to the next, even if I do not fall in or out of love very easily.
If I do become jaded from one too many relationships or conflicted emotions, I never want to lose the value I place on meaningful relationships. Understanding my sexuality as fluid will always allow me to emphasize that through all my experiences.