My Evolving Sexuality

Dear World,When I was a virgin, I felt a strong attraction toward homosexual relations and a strong repulsion of heterosexual relations. I now believe that sexual attraction is an aftereffect of sexual relations. So as a virgin, how did I decide my orientation?

Initially, my wants & needs as a human being was the deciding factor.

As a freshman in high school, I had no interest in making friends, least of all romantic and/or sexual ones. I was so overwhelmed by people, I wanted nothing to do with them. In other words, I did not know what I wanted or needed.

It was with this mindset that I realized the fear of homosexual relations that permeated my community. As a result, it was an easy choice for me to become “the gay guy” as a teenager. As a perceived homosexual, my peers mostly left me alone. Our fear gave me more time alone…more open space. What a relief!

However, my perspective changed when I started having gay sex. My need to live alone was complementary to my gay identity as a virgin. As a sexually active young adult, it was contradictory. How could I form constructive and satisfying relationships based on an orientation chosen out of fear?

First, I found myself gravitating toward anonymous sex. I thought an orgasm was all I could get out of a relationship. Yet anonymous sex only made my lack of sense of self more apparent to me. It made me feel worse about myself, not better.

Yet I had developed a homosexual attraction as a result of those relations. Rather than work through my conflicted emotions, I decided to have more sex instead.

So I attempted having fuck buddies. It lasted for a year or two, but was a disaster for my sense of self as well. I at least had the wisdom to always use protection.

I’ve had a few friends with benefits, and have found them to be the least harmful. If I’m lucky, I’ll find one that suits my wants & needs quite nicely for a time. Yet my conflicted emotions ultimately did not find solace in these individuals.

After this, I decided to face my fear of heterosexual relations. It was easier to face my fear of straight sex than to face my conflicted sense of self.

While it did not magically fix my conflicted sense of self, I did learn more about human sexuality than I ever expected. I do not regret my sexual adventures to this very day. In fact, I continue to partake when the mood strikes.

It wasn’t until I met someone special that I realized my sense of self was more important than the sex I was having. He taught me how to feel and how to feel with others. He may not be in my life right now, but he has become a part of how I understand myself. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

So I come back to my original question; how do I decide my orientation? I now believe the most important aspect to that question are my wants & needs as a human being. As a human being, I crave intimate relationships. If a relationship adds meaning to my life, I hope I’ll seek to develop it. Whether it is of the homo- or hetero-sexual variety is mostly immaterial.

As a sexually fluid individual, I recognize that every human being has the potential to add meaning to my life. I am not afraid of deciding on a case-by-case basis what kind of meaning a person adds to my life. I would rather discover a beautiful human being I can spend meaningful time with rather than just a homosexual male. Life is far more interesting that way.
A Frolicker of Sexual Fluidity

2 thoughts on “My Evolving Sexuality

  1. I remember the physical side of relationships being totally closed off to me as a teenager. I only wanted deep, stable, long-term romances. Casual sex revolted me. Polyamory seemed ridiculous.
    Hey, what can I say? I grew up child to class-mobile working->middle class successful white heterosexual parents riding the wave of technological progress. I just never developed good social skills because my sickly digestive system (Gut & Psychology Syndrome) caused excretion to be extremely difficult & painful. Therefore, I learned to never use the bathroom. Additionally, I don’t even know to what degree my physiology was affected by toxin buildup. Also, the teacher was really mean whenever you asked to use the bathroom because other people (not you) would just walk around and not come back.
    Mind you, I’m not joking, but it’s alright if you laughed as long as you pretend you didn’t.

    1. Thank you for sharing; you’re experiences are so different from mine! As a young adult, I felt a barrier between myself and satisfying/constructive relations. I was terrified of not being good enough even within casual relationships, never mind romances. It made me so sad because I’ve only just realized how emotional of a person I really am. My parents were emotionally stunted as well, so it makes sense I struggled with this. I feel an extraordinary power to be conquering demons who may have defeated my own parents. Not to say the job is done, but at least I’ve discovered my agency.

      Such terrible digestive troubles! I can’t imagine dealing with all of that on top of being a child! Don’t worry, laughter was my last response. I remember catching the Stomach Flu from my siblings in middle school *shudders*. I also vividly remember puking when I was about 5 or 6. The main hallway turned into a river of my puke. Watching my poor parents on their hands and knees cleaning made me feel so guilty!

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